my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
