My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
