Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
