Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
