Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
