It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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