I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
