I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
