seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
