it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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