I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He did a backflip because drugs
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
