Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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