I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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