Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
