Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
