woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Who died my cat blue again?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
