if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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