i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
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