He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
