but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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