I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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