I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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