So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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