I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
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I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
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My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother