I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick