I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.