How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
