He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
