Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Randomize
