Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
