cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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