i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
