i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
