He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
