i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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