I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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