it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
