i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
