There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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