Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
this hospital has no fireball
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
