My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Randomize
