So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
You should frame my arrest warrant.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
