hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
