So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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