Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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