TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
