i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
