I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
