Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
