The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
