If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
