She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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