why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Randomize
