I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Randomize
