Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You made out with two different species that night
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
