god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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