Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
