hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
