I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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