I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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