No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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