The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
